Soft And Cuddly


“I can’t stand ‘nice’ inoffensive things, like Jimmy Tarbuck and Terry And June”

Sinclair User, October 1987


Myriad is a game I could watch videos of all day without much in the way of complaints. I mean, just look at it, right?

Tempest 1992

Tempest 1992 never existed, never would exist. The concept of Tempest 1992 came about as part of a brief series by ACE magazine tasking the then top coders with re-imagining a classic game.

I think the series only ever consisted of two articles as ACE magazine would close up shop pretty soon after and the first part, for those curious, is pretty much Peter “Russian Fish Simulator” Molyneux inventing Crossy Road a good twenty years before anyone could be bothered inventing Crossy Road for reals. Although, naturally enough with the sort of Peter Molyneux twists you’d expect. And by twists, I mean “has a fart joke” but there we are.


Tempest 1992, however, is the Bitmap Bros what-if videogame. How would a 16 bit version updated version of Tempest actually work? Well, from the description I worry the answer is likely “not sure it would” but it’s an interesting what could have been all the same and Dan Malone’s mock up art work is undoubtedly a beautiful thing all the same. I guess I’d just be satisfied with some Tempest-y prints rather than the game itself. Someone make this happen.



You’d maaaaybe be surprised at how many people asked me “how does he go the toilet?” when I posted this EXTREME advert on Twitter.

I kinda figured all the clues were in the picture and that’s one gun you really don’t want to be shot with, but what do I know.

Jet Set Willy Mobile (2004)

As far as I can remember the mobile port of Jet Set Willy never managed to make it out into the wild and that’s a big shame as it’s quite a gorgeous looking thing. Whilst it no doubt would have been quite the handful to try and play the game on a normal mobile phone screen from the time (we’re talking 2004 here, long before smartphones were AThingTM) it was none the less, a really lovely recreation of the game that played great and sounded great too.

Numfun would later go on to write the final “official” entry into the Willy series with… Jet Set Racing which is, yes, a kart racer. You may laugh but it’s a really nice Kart Racer as mobile phone games from 2005 Kart Racing style go. And we get to find out the foot is called Terry. So that’s a thing.

Anyway, here’s some “look what you could have won” pictures of the game.

The Blue Danube

Clunky and borderline tuneless but still, Manic Miner has the most recognisable rendition of The Blue Danube outside of 2001. It sounded better in black and white, I swear.

It’s the flashing border that really makes it though. A tremendous intro to a tremendous game.